“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that.”
It hit me in the gut but I knew it was true. My best friend, the person who knows me just as much if not better than my husband or my mother, had never heard me say I liked my kids.
In 2017, I arrived at the gates of motherhood kicking, screaming, and bitter. We had been married three months, we were experiencing a family crisis, and my mom was moving a thousand miles away. I found out I was pregnant, then six hours later found out it was twins. I cried everyday. After my boys were born I loved them, but I hated motherhood. I felt like my identity and freedom was gone. Postpartum depression, an adjustment disorder, minimal sleep, and transitioning to being a stay at home mom drained the joy from my heart. I would have given my life for them, but late at night as I rocked them to sleep I fantasized about the trip to Hawaii we would have taken if they weren’t around.
I can’t tell you the shame I have felt. I hate I wasn’t a joyful mom excitedly preparing for my twins. I did my best to prepare for them, put a lot of thought into their room, their toys, and their books. But all the time it felt like a death March. I hate that the first year of their life I pleaded with God that he was wrong to give me these little boys.
Fast forward to the week before Christmas. Another family crisis, I asked Anthony for a two and a half month sabbatical. I no longer had PPD and my adjustment disorder is “dormant,” but I was still struggling to find joy in motherhood– especially as I dealt with trauma from my childhood. During this time I have had off I asked God to give me joy in my motherhood; and he did!
I LIKE MY KIDS! They are funny, sweet, incredibly mischievous. They love to read, eat constantly, worship Jesus all day long, and steal every cup of coffee I have. More than that I am glad to be their momma. I know God has plans for them that include worshipping him forever. I am excited to help them learn to love those around them and to use their talents to change their community and world!
To all my momma’s out there. You are not alone, motherhood is hard. God ordained you for those babies (toddlers, kids, tweens, and teens). Release that shame of all the bad days and attitudes. Lamentations 2 says God’s mercies are new every morning- I think he had us mom’s in mind when he said that! Rely on him to give you joy, patience, and kindness for your kids, your husband too! And come to our mom & toddlers group on Wednesdays! It’s 10-1 at my house. It’s a great time for our kids to play and is momma’s to drink coffee and be real about how motherhood is.